Doctor - patient:.
- Here are your pills for weight loss. The pot is 300 pieces. They do not need to take.
- But in that case how can they help me?.
- Very easy. Twice a day, pour the whole jar on the floor. Then bend over and collect them. according to one.
*****.
- Vadim, what do you see in her?.
- I do not know, guys, there is something there.
- Yeah, and this is something the size of the fifth.
*****.
On Easter I got a chocolate bar 'Christ is risen in Chocolate '. many.
thought.
*****.
Brandy says to you: ' The young lady, my dear, what are you so because of his killing spree! .
Port just like this: ' You fool you and your boyfriend asshole '.
Well, vodka, ' Poh @ nd, danced! .
*****.
Once took a man two bottles of beer. Chant at the table, both at once, suddenly regretted the money spent. Looking around at the sides, secretly peed under the table in one of the bottles and sealed the lid gently returned the bartender, explaining that one bottle was enough for him to. The unsuspecting bartender gave money to the peasant, returned as a bottle of proposed called at this moment a visitor, a man, a very intelligent-looking. He drank a bit, the bartender says: - A young man, now I am please with a pie by shit!.
The officer asked the soldier why he went into the army. Rookie decided to answer honestly:.
- First, I want to defend their homeland.
- properly.
- Secondly, the service makes me stronger.
- It's true!.
- Third, my consent and no one asked.
*****.
There is a police officer by the sandbox, and hears a little boy says to another:.
- You know what element is different from a donkey?.
The cop grabs him by the ear:.
- So what, brat?.
- Hey, mister, nothing, nothing!.
- That's right!.
*****.
In the hospital corridor sits a woman with a child who eats ice cream.
The doctor passes by, does not remain indifferent:.
- Boy, do not eat so much ice cream cold. Puknesh - feet freeze!.
*****.
- You know the difference between a thermometer and a barometer?.
- Excellent know.
- Excellent! .
- The perfect trivia: one usually hangs in the room and the other outside!.
*****.
Built a beast of the forest public toilet. Collects all animals the lion and said,.
- Who has anything to do sorting - pressed under!.
The next day the animals came, they saw - in the toilet box engraved. Well, the lion, and asked:.
- Who did it?.
Bunny comes forward and says:.
- I do not I!.
- What is it?.
- Well, I'm walking past the toilet this morning, and there sits the bear, grabbed me, podtersya, and threw it out the window.
- Okay, really, is not to blame. go.
The next day, the animals gathered again engraved glass.
- Who did it?.
Again the hare:.
- I do not I!.
- What is it?.
- Well, I was sitting this morning in the bathroom, past the hedgehog goes, I grabbed it, podtersya, and who first flew in the window, I can not remember.
Little Johnny comes to her mother and asks:.
- Mom why are you standing at the window when I sing?.
Mother:.
- So that people do not think I beat you!.
*****.
Daughter comes from a party. Mom, warily:.
- Are you drinking?.
A daughter, darkly:.
- No, I'm an ax.
*****.
There are two other - cabinetmaker and electrician. Cabinetmaker complains of Monterey:.
- At Tiffany's one month birthday. Can not think of what to give.
electrician:.
- A human is there to think, you're the master - the golden hands, she fashioned a chair made of wood!.
Cabinetmaker happy idea and went to work.
Three weeks later:.
electrician:.
- Well, finished making a gift?.
maker:.
- Yes, the chair is ready for a long time, and now only suffer electrician!.
*****.
`` `` It is worth Zaporozhets at the traffic lights and waiting for a turn arrow lights. Well, the arrow on fire, he neatly turns, but this time his Bochin.
`` `` Grand Sherokee cuts.
The driver yells `` `` Zaporozhets:.
- Guys, well, I also rode on the arrow!.
And they to him:.
- And we, b %%% b, just like riding!.
*****.
The policeman is watching young lady disrobing on the River. When she was about to enter the water, he raised his voice:.
- It is forbidden to swim.
- What do you say so before?.
- A strip is not prohibited.
With the pickup forum:.
- I am still a simple man with good looks, good.
intelligent, well -paid. Such as I, in fact, little.
- And thank God.
*****.
President of Russia believes that there are not enough skilled workers.
- And the serfs - add the oligarchs.
- And the revolutionary-minded sailors! .
*****.
- My wife is a pulem - like lightning!.
- What, so quickly to ride?.
- No, enters the depevo.
*****.
- Listen, if urgently needed, you would have crawled to me on the second floor of a drainpipe?.
- You know, somewhere in Germany or France, I would be useful. And in Russia, where the pipe was fixed buhimi fitters years that way ten years ago non-calcined screws Chinese instruments. unlikely.
- You do not love me!.
- I just have once climbed!.
*****.
The woman, like a traffic cop: spoil the mood, questions torment, take the money, and even guilt will remain.
*****.
The wife yells from the bathroom, in the hope that her husband would come clean in.
cat tray:.
- Sam, the cat shit!.
My husband, not looking up from the monitor:.
- With relief you, cat!.
*****.
- Grandfather, grandmother, granddaughter, Fido, cat, mouse. And why in the name of this fairy tale.
there is only a dog?.
- Apparently, a female dog named changed politically correct.
*****.
Easter. Comes to visit a neighbor and gives the youngest little boy.
bag with a very beautiful Easter eggs. happy boy.
runs into the next room. After a minute or two frustrated.
back: ' This is not a Kinder. ''.
*****.
- Here's yesterday 's daughter drove to the village, showing a goat.
- Why?.
- To know how this looks like a goat, and it is all just from the words of the mother is!.
*****.
- Why would a hydrogen bomb parachute?.
- To the local population has had time to take pictures of her on the phone and put it on YouTube.
*****.
The lecturer gives a lecture about the dangers of meat. From him they say, developing and sclerosis, and obesity, and liver pain.
- And his feet are freezing! .
Lecturer after the show decided to ask my grandfather, how can this be.
My grandfather and says:.
- How will eat meat for the night - in the morning ** s up, pulls the blanket down, and they are freezing.
*****.
Addict asked:.
- And how do people die?.
- They are the stork takes!.
*****.
In the bus.
- Girl, pass fare.
- And the magic word?.
- Abracadabra.
*****.
- Today was a warm day in summer. Shed the first blood.
- And now the war starts?.
- Yes, the ruthless carnage of mosquitoes.
*****.
- Why is United Russia wants to abolish state pensions?.
Because they have become tired of paying its oil and gas revenues.
all kinds of freaks, whose ancestors had settled 3,000 years ago over their.
deposits at a place called ' Russia '.
*****.
- You bought new shoes, or again in the string?.
- ( Surprise, and a dumb question in the girls' eyes).
- What kind of evil. swearing. shake?.
*****.
Newlyweds returned from their honeymoon in the Canary Islands.
My husband looks in the mirror:.
- Oh! .
- How can you light up when you're always on top!.
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